Game Date: Dec 7th, 2045

Johns Hopkins

Team: Johns Hopkins Blue Jays [ID #762]

Location: Baltimore, MD (Mid-Atlantic)

Conference: III.3 [Division 1]

President: Kierkegaard
          [since January 18th 2024 | last seen June 16th 2025]

Coach: Shawn Curry

Arena: Goldfarb Gym

Rating: 158.94 - Overall Position: #171

Fan Mood: 140.63

Alumni Mood: 140.60

Prestige: 84

Team Notes:

• Oct 25 2045: 3-star prospect Darrin Oakley committed.
• Aug 31 2045: Promoted to conference III.3.
• Jun 27 2045: Ryan Mosley was signed as a free agent by New York.
• Mar 12 2045: Made the national tournament field.
• Mar 04 2045: Won the IV.5 conference.
• Jan 28 2045: 2-star prospect Juan Matos committed.
• Jan 07 2045: 3-star prospect Danny Edwards committed.
• Nov 02 2044: 2-star prospect Percy Price committed.
• Sep 01 2044: Promoted to conference IV.5.
• Mar 13 2044: Made the division 2 tournament field.

Record:

Wins: 8 Losses: 7 Pct: .533     Conf Wins: 2 Conf Losses: 3 Conf Pct: .400 Conf Rank: 10     Last10: 5-5 Streak: L2

Pts Ave: 82.4 - 80.5     Pts Diff: +1.9     Team Power Index: 138.0

Press Releases:

Nov 01 2042: Audball - by Kierkegaard on December 23rd, 2024

In Spring 2024 the Johns Hopkins University Board entered into an engagement with Big 4 accounting firm Deloitte. The stated purpose of this engagement was to conduct a comprehensive audit of all finances tied to departments under Dean-Coach Curry’s oversight.

The team of auditors shared their preliminary findings with the public yesterday evening. From the three slide deck our correspondents were able to glean that, while Curry had used the team card to rent John Carpenter’s The Thing 17 times, there was no clear evidence of wrongdoing. Audit team lead Kiefer Hutchkey acknowledged that Curry appears to be a “compulsive and strange man”, but conceded that there was no evidence of The Thing being shown in any context outside of routine team building exercises. “Seeing as the funds were used to support Blue Jays Basketball, and since none of the showings were made open to philosophy students, the movie nights do not substantiate accusations of commingling or misappropriation”. The investigation is slated to continue into 2043.

Following the presentation Dean-Coach Curry, who was briefly available to the media, declared forensic accounting to be “ontologically evil”.



Mar 22 2042: Title Whine - by Kierkegaard on December 11th, 2024

For John’s Hopkins university insiders the past months have been fraught with intrigue following the appointment of Head Basketball Coach Curry as Dean over the William H. Miller Department of Philosophy. The temperature on campus was raised from a simmer to a rolling boil on Tuesday when an unnamed whistleblower, writing in the student paper, accused Curry of commingling department and team funds.

While addressing local news Wednesday Provost Benson repeatedly declined to speak to the rumors. In his own words:

“I would like to remind you all that the object of today’s press conference is to clarify Mr. Curry’s title and not to address frivolous slander. To that end, the University endorses the use of either “Dean-Coach” or “Coach-Dean”, but roundly condemns the employment of any obscene sounding portmanteaux”.

University donors expect the Board of Trustees to respond in the coming days to demands for an external audit.


Feb 01 2042: Hustle on the Court, Husserl in the Classroom - by Kierkegaard on November 25th, 2024

John’s Hopkins University has announced that Head Basketball Coach Shawn Curry will be acting Dean of the William H. Miller Department of Philosophy, effective immediately.

The move, unprecedented in modern college athletics, has left onlookers puzzled.

Speaking to the media Provost Benson shared the following: “Coach Curry will retain his role as head basketball coach. We consider the synthesis of both roles to be essential to our vision for the department”.

Questions were also fielded concerning whether Coach Curry was qualified to lead an academic department. “In an era of analytics on and off the court, Coach has demonstrated a more continental approach to the game, and that’s exactly what we want in our classrooms”.

The Blue Jays are 27-5 and seeking a NT berth.